The Healing of Self-Harm
by Raving In The Rain
Summary: Kiara White (Kisara) was only supposed to be the governess. The nanny to Minnie Kaiba: Seto's daughter. Even if they could compare scars, it's not right for her to love it? What would her own abusive father do when he finds out? With Mokuba all grown & Minnie in need of a mother, life for the Kaiba family has become more turbulent in Seto's storms. BLUESHIPPING/ hint ChazzxOC later
1. Prologue

**Warnings: There will be bits of a lemon in later chapters - so, if you ain't about that life, back away.**

**The majority of this is BLUESHIPPING (Seto Kaiba x Kisara), and later on there will be slight Chazz Princeton x OC, as well as the introduction of many other OCs. If you don't like OCs and stuff like that... well then tough nuts. Please leave. :)**

**This story also ties into my other next gen story "Always That One Day", so eventually there will be some spoilers for that. If you don't give a damn, then you may carry on. :)**

**We all peachy dandy? Good. Then let us get this show on the road!**

**Love, Ahron**

* * *

**Prologue**

The thing that astounds me most is that, to this day, people have the nerve to believe that I was a normal child. They thought I didn't _understand_ what was going on, or that I couldn't _handle_ it if someone dared explain it all to me. This was all, simply, because I was "too young". Perhaps it's just my own upbringing, but I fail to sympathize with anyone who says to "leave the children out of it", "it will scar them". When, in fact, the very events you wish to disguise are often the fabrics of their tiny worlds. Regardless of age, truth is still truth. And the less time you spend hiding it from them, the more time they have to get over it.

Yes, it could alter their fates. Yes, it may be a heavy burden unto their whimsical childhoods. Hell, depending on the nature of the lies, many "mature adults" feel it could nourish the development of the deranged and perhaps even the homicidal. Yet my father and I find little point to these tragic charades. Ted Bundy, perhaps one the most notorious serial killers in the world, was the product of this sheltering belief. Made to believe that his grandparents were his parents, and his mother was his sister all simply because he was illegitimate, only to be discover the truth at a much older age. How deliciously horrified he must have been to utter the words: "My whole life has been a lie".

My life, however, was never a lie. Because, as stated before, it is simply appalling to me that anyone could think_ I_ was a normal child. Of course I cried when I was hungry and laughed when I was happy. I ate well, slept well, did all the things that normal children would do. Only, I wasn't normal. I was, am, and forever shall be a Kaiba. You see, it is above normal. Far beyond, quite actually. That means that I was always better than you.

Got it?

I understood what affairs were, what illegitimacy meant. I could handle the fact that both had absolutely everything to do with my even being alive. I was perfectly capable of analyzing and deducing of my own free will, and was able to fathom at least a notion of the impact my birth would bear. So, maybe not in that exact vocabulary did I comprehend what all that meant, but there is a difference between being a child and being stupid. I knew how emotions worked. I don't care to feel them as often as most, but I did at one point feel many things. Because emotions are neither mature, nor immature. Only the reactions to them are.

And my father never believed in sheltering me from any truth. If there is something wrong, you make it right. If something is not working, you fix it. If there is a mistake, tell those it may concern to avoid any more mistakes along that same path and take responsibility for your actions. Take the truth, swallow it, and move on with your life. Plain and simple.

Of course, the sadism in reality is that, in the life of the Kaiba family, nothing ever _is_ plain and simple. And Kiara White, an immigrant and intruder to this name, had the horrendous honor of experiencing that all for herself. She was my governess. A pallid, placid existence in my home that found herself too close to the electrical fence that is my father's emotional boundaries. Dirtied herself in trying to tunnel beneath it, set herself aflame trying to cut through it. And though not nearly in the same way I had, found herself in a two-front war to earn the Kaiba name.


	2. Life As He Knew It

**"Sigfried..." Kaiba spits. "Sigfried von Schroeder. Of all people...****_ him_****."**

Nastasya's denial comes pouring from her faded green eyes; "No, no, Seto! I know it looks bad, but-"

"_Looks_ bad? Get a grip, Nastasya. It _is_ bad. It's time you face reality. You made your choice, and because of that you must face the consequences. This... whatever it is-" he doesn't, for one moment, want to believe he could have ever loved the woman pleading before him now, "whatever we had, it's over."

"But, Seto!" she reaches for him. Sobs have rosied her pale, pale cheeks, distress has tormented her autumn gold hair into flaring strands and a wadded, clumsy bun. She is desperate. Cleaving to his arm as tightly as she can. She'd already been caught; there was no more such thing as shame and dignity, not even in the face of her cold fiance. No more crown, no more grace. She weeps furious, ugly cries into his sleeve. These wretched groans of defeat shaking through a broken voice. Surely this would be a sound that could disturb the baby's ears. Orbiting in her belly, the child would long know of this pain before it breathed a breath at all.

This is not the woman he had proposed to only weeks ago. No. This is the creature that had been lying beneath that once beautiful exterior. This is the true face of her insides, the pathetic excuse for an existence that keeps her robotically perfect body moving- the rusty engine, the dying battery giving its last heaves of power. And it isn't doing much to stir him. Not even the baby he knows is growing inside her can change his mind. His steel blue eyes are frosted, deadened to the grotesque pleas running down her face. He would hate her for this. That's what he _wanted_ to do. Rather than feel anything else that dreadful beating in his chest keeps speaking of, he'd hate her, loathe her, toss her away like another lousy employee. That is much better than admitting that this adulterous, mewling sack of waste and deceit had torn down the mighty Seto Kaiba. If even a little.

"Please, Seto. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I didn't ask." he speaks coldly, without touching eyes. "In fact, I don't care _why_ you did it. I don't want to hear any sappy background story attempting to justify your actions. The matter still remains: you _did_ do it, and I am not a forgiving person. I thought you were at least smart enough to understand that after all we've been through, but I see I can surprise even myself."

She looks up, somehow finding the hope to believe that if he would just look her way, into her moist mint eyes, that he'd forgive her. Nastasya has to win him back. She just has to! She made Seto fall in love with her once, that one passionate night they had been together, she can do it again... right? Or are Seto's affections easier to claim than his forgiveness? To acquire both, she assumes, would be more than expensive. A luxury known only to Mokuba. The only feelings he gives away for free are anger and distaste; handouts to show his superiority, donations to mark his territory. But if she couldn't win him back, certainly her own family would dump her as well. The Koussevitzky business empire, abashed by her lecherous malpractice. Destitution undoubtedly awaited her, for who would hire the woman foolish enough to trample the trust of shrewd, business-king Seto Kaiba? She couldn't possibly raise this child without either of them!

"Seto, please. What about the baby?"

"What about it?" he turns to leave, and yet still she clings. He nearly drags her along on her knees trying to tear away.

"It's your child! I know it! You must help me! You couldn't possibly abandoned it, let it live without its father. Have you any idea what that could do to a child-" she stops herself when his eyes lean narrowly to hers. Oh, yes, he certainly _did_ know what that could do to a child. He knew a life without a father _and_ without a mother, and Nastasya was well educated in that matter of Seto's character, as so few were.

"Forgive me, I-"

"Firstly, you are in no position to be giving orders to anyone, most of all to me. Secondly, I 'must' do nothing until there is physical DNA proof that the child is mine. Because considering your long, gaudy history with that disaster called Sigfried von Schroeder, I highly doubt that you have anything that belongs to me anymore."

His heart, most notably.

"But... what about before?" her eyes widen, the outcome of this conversation becoming more and more evident. She will hang on to any thread of words she can- she must! "What about how excited you were to have this baby? Hm? What about all the names we were thinking of; Duchess or Sukeko for a girl, a-and Alexei and Ryuu for..."

"Excited? Nastasya, you've mistaken my sense of responsibility with that of the joy of bringing a child into this world. The sole purpose of my even marrying you was_ for_ the child I thought had been my own. I only did what was necessary, because at that point in our lives there was no other option, no evidence of your _miserable affair_ with that failure Sigfried- who probably only used your acquaintance to tear at my name for revenge. Now why don't you go bother him for child-support? He seems incredibly fond of you. Two liars and failures together as a family, I'm sure you'd do well together."

"Seto, please! He's married, you know the Schroeder family will never let me in." This time, when she reaches for him, there is nothingness. She is met with absence as he pulls away faster than she attain him.

"Well, that's your problem. I'm finished here." he says simply.

Nastasya's cries become more wild. They tremble like a fire searching, hungry for more wood. She is on her knees, this time not pleasuring more lies into her affair, but weighted down because of them. The tiny body cocooned in the bowl of her belly knows this. It knows the weight of the world, though it is small and submerged in blackness. Loud, rumbling roars of sorrow and defeat. Repugnant, obnoxious howls. A child bearing a child.

"It's yours, it's yours! I'll prove it, Seto Kaiba! This baby is yours! And then you'll have to take care of it! You'll have to... you'll have to... I'll be back! You hear me? You'll be hearing from my lawyers!"

Seto would have none of it. With a sigh, he turns back towards his car, leaving a rotted Nastasya Koussevitzky and that chapter of his life behind.

* * *

**Three years later...**

Married. Mokuba Kaiba was getting married; and to a school teacher, no less. Seto was still trying to wrap his mind around the idea that his little brother was, well, not so little anymore. He was a grown man, a job all of his own as a head figure in Japan's intelligence agency. Mokuba was leading international missions, had access to all sorts of weapons and tools, went off in search of kidnappers and terrorists on the daily. It seemed he didn't need his big brother always there to protect him now. And Maya Miller, his new fiancee, was just another way of rubbing that reality in Seto's face.

He hadn't taken kindly to her at all. For Mokuba's sake, he was at the very least polite around Maya. But he wasn't going to pretend to be accepting of the creature that would take his brother ever farther from him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Even if he always knew that this day would come, he hadn't exactly prepared himself for it. He never could quite imagine his little Moki bringing home a girlfriend for the first time, much less stand at the altar with one. He didn't want him to grow up. Not really. Somewhat. Maybe. He just never wanted to think about it. Because, well, what would that mean for him? It almost felt his entire existence was built upon protecting his brother, nurturing him as no one else could. But Maya- oh, that Maya!- she was getting in the way of all that! No! It was always just him and his brother. Seto and Mokuba, no one else! The way it should be!

Seto looked to the clock; just about nine. If he took the time to finish one or two more transactions, he could easily have time to change and still make it down to the ceremony early. Just like he promised. And as much as he wanted to get all of his work done so there wouldn't be a slough of business-related thoughts during the most important day of his brother's life, he knew there wouldn't be time for any of that. Not when there was someone as fussy and uncoordinated as Minako to tote around.

Minako Kaiba sat glued to the iPad, for which its use was intended. With counting apps and ABCs, it kept the two-and-a-half year old's attention span in check so that Seto could work in peace. Or, as much 'peace' as his job allowed. With only an occasional excited squeal, and a question or two, Minako hadn't been too much trouble on most days. A quiet child- thankfully- usually preoccupied with watching her favorite show, _Dragon Tales_, or making all her toony, inflatable Duel Monster "cards" talk to each other like dolls. Not that she could make it past many three to four worded sentences.

"Alright." sighed Seto, filing the unfinished projects in the bottom drawer and pushing away from the desk. "Let's go, Minako."

"Go." she repeated, though still entirely more preoccupied with the chewy, kid-approved Duel Monsters.

"Clean up your stuff." he ordered, "Come on."

The child knew exactly what to do. She hurried along to her father's commands, chucking every card and toy into her Barbie backpack. Her chubby legs hopped to keep up with Seto's demands as he was already heading towards the door.

"It go here?" she asked with nearly every toy.

There was no point in hounding over her speech. Even if he would make sure she could speak wiser and greater than her peers by her next birthday, today was not the day to hover over those sorts of things. He scooped her entirely up, sitting her on his lap and cramming her feet into miniature Armani shoes. Minako kicked with glee, and tried to make play of it. Yet Seto still managed, and with a small grin curling the corners of his lips.

"You're going to behave today, right?" Though, it wasn't a question. It was reassurance, especially in the way he squeezed a little tighter on her back.

"Good girl."

"That's right. Be good, Minako. No whining, no running, no crying. You do as you are told."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Now let's go." he placed her back on her feet and strapped her bookbag over her shoulders.

He supposed he could have made Roland handle all this. Ushering little, yawning Minako to Maya Miller's house where she'd be pampered by hair stylists and hounded by estrogen. She was to be the flower girl, as Mokuba would have it no other way. Which meant dropping her off with the bridal party and seeing Maya Miller was an inevitable part of his day. Besides, he'd recalled too many times when Mokuba was under Roland's care and yet another kidnapping had taken place. To say the least, Roland's babysitting skills were worse than his dueling skills. Even so, Seto shouldn't have to be doing all this. Minako was his daughter, true, and he would love to spend all the time in the world with her. But he was also so much more. CEO, an inventor, a host, a celebrity. He didn't have time to be her taxi or her stylist or her other girlish things. He wasn't even sure he was capable of doing those very things. What do little girls wear? What was fashionable for a female? How in the world did they even do that flipping and twisting and tying of their hair?

The car ride down to Maya's house did little to quell those very thoughts. He kept glancing at her through the rear view mirror of his Maybach, unable to shake that haunting thing called "parenthood". He couldn't keep doing this. No matter how much he adored the child, no matter how she resembled so much of himself... he just couldn't. And admitting his limits alone was a major feat. What he needed was another nanny, and this time one that wouldn't fail. Minako had gone through three nannies in two years; the first one always showed up late, the second always stole something from the home, the third... he wasn't actually sure what happened to third, only that one day she just stopped showing up. Why couldn't anyone just do their damn job anymore? How hard was it to keep a baby under control? There wasn't enough time in a day before to get everything done, to think that now would be any different with a daughter to manage was ludicrous.

"Bululu!" Minako screeched suddenly. "Daddy! Bululu!"

Seto looked again to the mirror at his distressed daughter shaking her car seat. Her bright blue eyes went ogling around the car for her beloved "bululu"- which had become her title, her attempt at saying the_ Blue Eyes White Dragon._ The plush toy dragon was almost the size of her whole being, and so dirtied from her carrying it and chewing it everywhere that the thing could hardly be called blue anymore. It was rather a beaten turquoise, patches of browns and pasta stains all over the fluffed dragon. But no matter its condition, it was her whole world. And not having it meant not having that very world.

"Great." Seto rolled his eyes. "You forgot Blue Eyes, didn't you?"

"Daddy. No have bululu." it was a panicked plea.

"Minako, I told you to get everything. We're not going back to get it."

"Daddy!" she pounded against the car seat.

"No. That's your fault. I told you to pick up all your toys, and apparently you didn't listen. Now we don't have time to go back. You're just going to have to deal with it."

She didn't like that. Not one bit. It began with one long wail, high-pitched and piercing. The little heiress already had the voice of demands and authority. Seto cringed. This was going to be another long, odious car ride from the sound of it. Minako then kicked and kicked, beating against the seat and door with the fury of a berserker. Her tiny war in the backseat brought her angry tears and an ever grittier howl that could dig under Seto's indifference. While he would do his best to ignore the tantrum, his hands couldn't help but grip the steering wheel tighter. Even the first mentions of a headache began to emerge.

"Minako!" he cursed. "Enough! You're not getting your toy, and that's that!"

She didn't care for any of his words.

The only upside to this whole episode was that within the next block or two, Minako would be Maya's problem. Not his. And the driveway was almost entirely filled upon reaching the residence of his soon to be sister-in-law. Without a doubt, the loud giggles and cooing words floating around this small neighborhood had all come from inside that very house. A part of him still wanted to believe that they were all in some sort of conference, ill-speaking of his brother and how the whole grubby lot of them intended upon only using Mokuba for his money. That's what he wanted it all to be. A conspiracy that would give him another chance to have his brother for his own, to rescue him just one last time.

But he knew that wasn't the case. That hurt worse than imagining himself telling Mokuba that the love his life was a lie.

At last Maya stepped out from the house, curlers binding her cherrywood hair and still lounging around in her pajamas. Her slightly downturned eyes chortled with delight when she spotted Seto hoisting Minako out of the car, fighting as hard as the furious tot could. Seto had almost wrestled her, pinning her flailing limbs when she tried to swat at him. Every moment of her disobedience made him more inclined to loathe Maya. Somehow this was all her fault.

Maya rushed to help; "Oh, Minnie, Minnie, Minnie. What's wrong?"

"She forgot her Blue Eyes toy. That's all. So she's throwing a tantrum."

"Aw. Poor baby." she pouted, trying to rub Minako's back even after Seto pull his daughter away from her. Seto hated that. He hated when someone else- anyone else- tried to soothe his daughter with hugs and sympathy, or perhaps to say they could do a better job of it. Even if the bratty thing pushed away, he wouldn't let her out of his arms just yet, in case she found more solace with Maya than she did him. He wasn't going to give anyone the chance to witness that.

And Maya was no fool. She could act oblivious to his defenses, but she'd still try and get past them. She knew all about Seto's emotional build from the way Mokuba could on and on about his older brother. Some of the older Kaiba's traits, though milder so, always sung through Mokuba as well. The stubbornness, the arrogance, the name-calling. For now, all the pretty Polynesian bride could do was wait for him to come around. If ever he would.

"Thank you for dropping her off." she said softly. "I know you're very busy, and I apologize if it's been troublesome for you to do all this for me. I just wanted to let you know how much it means to me."

Seto snorted; "You must be out of your mind to think that I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for Mokuba and no one else. Personally, I don't understand what Mokuba sees in you. As far as I'm concerned, you're just another potential threat to my company's name." hesitantly, he looked from Minako to Maya, knowing it'd be better to hand her off sooner rather than later. With another infamous grimace, he let Minako down and she stomped away to pout behind Maya's legs.

"Want bululu!" she crossed her arms with another jump.

"I'll go back and get Blue Eyes, Minako. Ok? You can get it back later when you start acting right and we see Mokuba."

"Go see Mokmok?"

"Yes. Now behave."

He looked directly to Maya before returning to his car. "Don't give me another reason to disapprove of you. You watch out for her."

"Of course, Kaiba." she bowed her head, and would stay submissive until his car disappeared around the end of the street.

She sighed. This was supposed to be her day- everything her way! But it seemed, no matter the occasion, no one could be the boss of Seto Kaiba- not even the hungry bridezilla she was. She just wanted this day to be happy. For everyone to get along. Though, when she though about it, she'd felt awfully foolish to dream of such a thing. This _was_ the Kaiba family she was marrying into after all.

Maya's eyes fell down to Minako, whose eyes still watered and cheeks were still pink from screaming.

"Don't worry, Minnie. Your daddy will bring bululu back. In the mean time, let's get your hair all pretty. Hm? Would you like that?"

The child whipped her eyes. "O-Ok..."

"Oh, Kiara! The flower girl is here!" called Maya, leading the child up the steps and into the house. The bride searched around through a forest of hanging gowns, and over the harsh terrain of makeup bags and boxes. All this for the white-haired maiden whom she had dubbed her best friend and maid of honor.

**End Chapter**

**Thank You For Reading**


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